Precarious

/ Tracey

A single Mother, standing on a driftwood log in heels, on the beach.

Precarious in black and white.

Perhaps wearing a dark suit made her feel more sophisticated and accomplished than she felt inside.

In color, a portrait of light brown hair and big blue eyes. She looked just like my Great Aunt and my Mother.

I have just two photographs and a ring. No one ever talked about her.

She had a child out of wedlock, married three times, then committed suicide in her early 40’s.

I never met my Grandmother and I have so many questions.

I have spent the past several months taking writing workshops, mainly about memoir. I even started a separate WP page to archive more serious writing, then deleted it. I don’t know what I’m doing, but wanted to share the results of one of the writing prompts from a class with Meg Wolitzer. This is it.

21 thoughts on “Precarious”

  1. A woman who didn’t find her unique, safe place in the world so she could be
    herself. I find it sad that, for various reasons, people don’t talk about “the black sheep” of the family.

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  3. Gosh on so many levels. I love the photo and your write up. Is there no one left who could or would answer your questions about your grandmother. I’m sad to think you deleted the other blog with the stories. I hope you kept copies of what you wrote. We are often just too critical of ourselves. Was your writing workshop on line?

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    • No one left. My Mom did share memories, but didn’t really understand what was happening. I have saved everything in word documents and notebooks. I was just unhappy with the functionality of my other domain. Tried many times to get it resolved with the “happy technicians.” I will eventually migrate things over to this site or start over. Yes, the writing workshops have all been on line. This one in particular is included in the hyperlink to the author/instructor’s name. Thank you for your comments Bernie!

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      • Yes I am sure that your mom also had many questions that were never answered. One hears these sad stories and it certainly puts things in perspective.
        Ah the “happiness” engineers — yeah not so much are they. Hopefully you will find a format for your stories that you are happy with. I am struggling to get enough time to write the stories. Bernie

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    • Thank you so much! Yes, I loved that class. I’ve taken several on line courses over the past few years. Some better than others. This was a favorite because she was a good facilitator and talked about other people’s work (not just her own.)

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  8. I was waiting with bated breath for what was to come – I am so sorry her life was cut short. Please keep sharing your writing and live the life she was not able to do.

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  9. Tracey, this is a provocative piece of writing and I have a lot of questions too. Who raised your mom? Was your Grandmother in her life consistently until she died? My mother had a similar situation, although her mother didn’t die, she just left when my mother was three. Being abandoned by her mother had a profound effect on her, and ultimately on me. Is that something you feel also? Legacies of love and loss are complicated and evoke strong emotions. Quite an undertaking to write about it. Thanks for sharing this and please keep it up. I would love to read more.

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    • Suzanne, Thanks for your encouragement and understanding. It is hard to write about some things, especially when you fear others will not like it or want to be reminded. Therefore, it’s taken a long to time to process some memories (not to mention getting the courage to write and publish thoughts.) I’m sorry for your family experience. So, yes it is profound to not know a significant family member. My Mom never knew her biological Father. I can’t even imagine. Her Mother was around, but inconsistently. My Mom had many step-fathers and her Mother was in and out of “treatment.” Quite an unstable life, and one that she did not discuss. I’m still learning things. Fortunately, she had a wonderful Aunt and Uncle and they were the grandparents figures on that side of the family. That was a good thing.

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  10. Tracey, thank you for sharing your revelations about your grandmother. I’m sorry you never had the chance to know her. Her story made me think about my own family and the hardships they endured and the deep sadness I feel over never having told them when they were alive how much I appreciate them. As I grow older I tend to push those thoughts to recesses of my mind because I don’t like to dwell on melancholy memories but sometimes it’s cathartic to bring them out.

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    • Thanks for commenting Marcella. I feel the same. However, the writing workshop I took prompted me to put some of these thoughts into words. Actually publishing them and having people relate is also cathartic. Hope you are well!

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